So this is the glamorous life of an online movie critic. I receive the above in my in-basket. With the subject line "You are evil and mean."

At first, this is puzzling, since the obvious assumption is that I'm being criticized for not being in favor of the Steve Martin/Beyonce remake. But then I realize this is taken from Rotten Tomatoes, and I haven't written up anything for the remake on Rotten Tomatoes.

It's a quote from my snippet on The Curse of the Pink Panther, that terrible sequel with Clouseau's "American son."

Why would someone defend that film? Anyone? Except perhaps Ted Wass.

Maybe…this is Ted Wass e-mailing me? Maybe it's Steve Martin himself, taking a moment before starting production on Cheaper by the Dozen 3. Regardless, it's obviously some kid using his dad's e-mail address, because "1971" is in the address and no one my age sends out e-mail like this where they look like they're twelve.

And my friend, you know what hell is? Hell is sending e-mail to a guy who just uses it to make a post on his site to draw more people into his evil and mean lair. Muhahahaha. Do it again and I'll post your e-mail address so everybody at your middle school will know you use those stupid emoticons. Now get off the computer and do your homework.