Now that it's been revealed that worrying about terrorists targeting gumballs is fucking lunacy (because really, when all of our public transportation, ports, borders, and everything else is pretty much an open target, gumball protection being a priority is the height of madness), the aldermen reveal their "real" idea: licensing gumball machines.

That's right: of all the other problems facing the town like "overcrowded housing, taxi ordinances and redevelopment projects" says the Daily Record (cached version here), not to mention others we can probably think of because they're problems everywhere (education, perhaps?), we want to license gumball machines.

[Alderman Frank] Poolas said he is convinced that the town needs to license gumball machines and other currently-exempt devices to better protect children against food-borne illnesses and defective toys. He also said such a licensing scheme could make it easier to track down someone who might use gumball machines in an unlikely, if not impossible, attempt to poison kids. Source.

Question: when was the last time you heard about a kid getting sick from something they ate out of a gumball machine? Has there been an E. coli outbreak from gumballs that I haven't heard of? I'm being serious when I ask that…is this really some sort of safety issue I've just missed? And the defective toys business…what does that mean? If the spider ring breaks within 30 days of purchase? (And yes, I know some toys shouldn't be given to kids to screw around with, but if the parent won't check the toys to ensure they're not going to kill their kid, they probably expect Alderman Poolas to come and ensure that the doors to where they keep the drain cleaners are secured as well. Should we license parents?)

And let's go ahead and think like a loony alderman for about five seconds. Let's assume that all gumball machines are licensed, and the government is wasting lots of money and time making sure they know what goes in the gumball machines and where it's come from. Then let's assume, because we're in Loony Alderland, that a terrorist decided that poisoning gumballs was a good idea. Are they going to log this on a schedule somewhere? No, they're going to do Bad Things to the gumballs without said Bad Things showing up anywhere. So all your vaunted licensing won't help you.

No, you're trying to build a bridge not just where there's no water, but in the middle of the Gobi desert. Why not just be up front about it and say you want to eek some more money in a scheme that adds absolutely no value to the experience of getting a gumball out of a machine? At least then I could have some respect for you idiots.

You must be proud, Dover. You must be so proud.

You know how you dread going into some stores because you're going to be pounced on by a sales rep?

I'm on their site looking at comforters again, yes? And I'm going back and forth between two browser windows, scrolling up and down and comparing information, when guess what pops up?

Good God, people. Can't you just leave us be? I feel like the screaming guy in the second episode of Black Books. When I want to buy something from you, I'll let you know. Otherwise, just simmer down, wouldja?

The result of this breaking and entering into my secret wants and needs?

This.

On one hand, I can't stop drooling. On the other hand, I feel so psychically violated.

You…

You bastards.

You BASTARDS.

As I mentioned previously, we moved to the Dreamhost PS virtual private server thing. Unfortunately, we were getting clobbered by something somewhere that was keeping us from even getting to the site via the Web. FTP was fine, though.

Now, as to what actually happened, I have no idea. The two theories offered up by Dreamhost technical support were that we were getting hit by some bots that we had previously been shielded from on the shared hosting and/or some bot was creating some sort of endless loop that was making our PHP processes inflate to bursting.

I can't really assess either one of these, frankly. I can say that it was very odd that some bots that were known to misbehave (like Altavista's Scooter 3.3 for instance), which I had gone ahead and banned from the site by IP address in my htaccess file, were now running around on the site. Can it be that the server was so slammed that the .htaccess wasn't being loaded? I dunno. Plausible, I guess. What I will say is that if the first theory is right, then I'm puzzled as to why, if you had known bad things blocked, you wouldn't block them for all customers? Or at least make it optional for those people who…well, I don't know who would want that crap, honestly. But you see what I'm saying. I hope.

As for the second theory–again, no clue. What I find strange is that even when the memory graph was showing I had plenty of memory, I still couldn't get in. The theory was put forward that I was getting hammered so hard that the memory graph couldn't cope and was showing bad data…which if that's the case, that makes it worthless. How can you make decisions based on bad data? If that is the case, it should simply not appear or give an error message. And I was told I could SSH into the server and kill all processes to free things up, but the server was getting hammered so hard I couldn't access it.

So deaf, extremely dumb and blind like I was, there didn't seem to be much of anything to do it–the site was working fine on shared hosting, send me back. So I cancelled Dreamhost PS.

Now, in Dreamhost's defense, they've always been very good and responsive on things. This may not have been the virtual server's setup's fault. However, when you have something running on Situation A and then you move it to Situation B and it bursts into flames but then the flames go away when you go back to Situation A…that would lead one to believe Situation B is at fault. But I couldn't wait any longer to get the site back up, so I bailed. What am I going to do for virtual server hosting now that Dreamhost PS won't work for me? No idea yet, but stay tuned.

So we are now on a virtual private server on Dreamhost. Basically, for those who don't know–and you're happier not knowing, just trust me on this–I'll put this as simply as I can.

Let's think about this like a train.

Shared hosting is where you start off. It's the third class car. You're crammed in there with everybody and anybody and they've overbooked the car, so it's pretty much SRO. And if you've ever been on a NYC subway during the stampede, then you know what this means. Strange crotches are pressed against your ass, your ass is probably pressed against some other part of some other stranger's body, the whole place stinks…you know. The server hosting equivalent effect is that somebody else can step on your toes. If somebody does something terminally wacky, you can be affected too.

Why in the world would anyone settle for shared hosting? Same reason you take the subway. It's cheaper than a cab. It gets you there, and most times it gets you there in a reasonable amount of time (granted, the metaphor here breaks down a bit because the subway is generally faster than a cab what with traffic and all, but all the things being equal, I mean). You remember all the breakdowns because those stick in your memory, just like people who are convinced of miracles remember the lovely coincidences and not the 999 other times where the shit just didn't work out.

Anyway, shared hosting will only get you so far. Then you're looking at a virtual private server, which is where we are now. This is where you're on a server with other people, yes, but they've carved you out a space that is your space. It's like business class. You have room to stretch out and you're not in danger of being stepped on. The costs for this have come down–hell, the costs for everything involving hosting have come down–so it's reasonable.

Most of you are on shared hosting. If you don't know what sort of hosting you have, you're on shared hosting. Most people who are just running a blog or something don't need anything else. For Christ's sake, though–he said, in a total sidebar–if you are running a blog and you're serious just about blogging–at least get yourself your own domain name. Get the hell off of Blogspot or LiveJournal or MySpace or whatever. In an age where you can have your own printing press, for God's sake, own one, don't rent. That way you get the traffic, the ad revenue, the whatever.

Sorry. Anyway.

When you get really ginormous, then it's time for a dedicated server, and those can go as big as you want. And as pricey as you want.

So today is the first day I've really gotten a chance to play with our new VPS setup for Needcoffee. We've seriously gotten to the point where it's time to take the plunge, right? So. What happens?

Dreamhost takes a huge network outage.

About this same time, the One Tusk Pantheon blows up too. So for a while there, it looks like the two are interlinked. However, when I go look at my memory usage, I see this:

That's Pacific time, so for those that can read that chart, yes, apparently around midnight EST we spiked our memory usage at a shade under 4GB.

Four. Goddamn. Gigabytes.

Now, it would be absolutely lovely if the One Tusk cavalcade of fun was drawing so much traffic that we actually needed that much memory. I would be renting a goddamn Cray right now if that were the case. But no…that's not the case, sad to say.

The truth is I don't know WTF is happening. This isn't like before where the comment spammers were trying to kill us in a Carthaginian manner, no. In fact, I went through every single access log for every single site and can't see anything out of the ordinary. Sure, there's a Yahoo Slurp bot from China that's a bit too amorous, but I'd much prefer to deal with that shit when I'm a little less frazzled. But no, the access logs look clean.

So WTF is happening? I don't know. Apparently other VPS sites on Dreamhost are having the same problem, so we'll see.

And now a short postscript before I try and close this. A lot of people find it fun to slag off Dreamhost. I've worked a support desk and run more than one, so I know what it's like. It's even more thankless a job than running tech crew on a stage show. At least with that you're just ignored–running tech support is purely for the masochistic and self-medicated, I assure you. And am I terribly excited about the fact that my site is a smoking crater right now?

No, of course not. However, most of these idiots are paying $9 a month for hosting. They wouldn't complain about $9 of Burger King food they way they complain about Dreamhost. If you're going to bitch and moan, upgrade. If not, then shut up. And if you're talking about your business crashing and burning because your $9 hosting is down for the moment, then you have other problems besides that. Somebody who actually knows how to run a business will take that opportunity to work on something else that still helps the business. At least Dreamhost comes back and explains the problem. The hosting service I used before them was crashing and burning for about a month solid and never responded to any requests for information or even any problem tickets. They devolved into a joke.

Anyway, I've sent off the OMGWTF support ticket to Dreamhost, the first Sev 1 ticket I've ever sent them. We'll see what they say.

What was my point? Oh right: never become a webmaster. Listen and hear what I say.

Here's the really scary bit from this Time article:

"This feels like yet another death knell," emailed an A&R executive at a major European label. "If the best band in the world doesn't want a part of us, I'm not sure what's left for this business."

Yes, hurrah for realizing you're a red shirt on the Titanic there, buddy. But what gives me pause is this notion that Radiohead is the best band in the world.

If that is the case, then it's yet another death knell for music in general.

Good thing I'm not bitter.

Found via SEOBook.

Now facing six weeks off work, he said warning labels on the products should be revamped to alert people that excessive consumption could lead to death. Labels currently warn against consuming more than two cans, or 1.5 bottles a day, without describing the consequences. 'They say [on energy drink labels] don't have more than this much,' Mr Penbross said. 'But they don't say if you have too much, what will happen.'

That's right, Mr. Penbross. You also aren't told expressly not to drive your car off a cliff. And, on the Batman costume, when it says "Cape does not enable user to fly," it does not expressly state what will happen if you try anyway.

Bad shit is what happens, you jackass. It's not like they're trying to hide the fact that after the fifth Red Bull you suddenly gain magical powers or something. You had 640mg of caffeine in five hours while involved in a sporting activity that was already taxing your system. You obviously don't have a serious tolerance because I have 400mg of caffeine at a single go. But that's because I have a huge tolerance and I know my limits. And I go find out how much caffeine I'm taking in and control the levels by watching what I'm ingesting.

Thank you for admitting you are a terminal imbecile. On behalf of everyone, please: don't breed.

And listen to me, everybody. I know we take a light-hearted approach to being caffeinated and buzzy and whatever, but do not fuck with caffeine. It is your friend as long as you don't piss it off.

Know. Your. Limits.

Sorry for the rant. I just get pissed off by idiots who make life difficult for the rest of us.

Found via Neatorama.

Sound familiar? How about when I put it like this:

1. We must do something to prevent fraud in buying autos!

2. Taking your thumbprint is something!

3. It must be done!

Now look at this line:

Democracy is about freedom and its foundation lies within the fact that everyone has the right to all information, culture and creativity.

Now, from what Wikipedia tells me about Sweden, it's a "representative parliamentary democracy under a constitutional monarchy," which I think is safe to assume is correct since to my knowledge Stephen Colbert does not have Sweden in his crosshairs at this time. So I'll give him that. Still, he's not living in a pure democracy, because as I believe we've said before, democracy is two wolves and a sheep voting as to what's for lunch.

But still, does anybody here really think that the foundation of democracy, the rule of the people, is that the people get all information, culture and creative stuff for free? I thought the foundation of democracy was the direct participation of citizens in government. Granted, I went to school in Alabama, but I think it was something like that.

And where–anywhere–does it say that you have the right–not the option, mind you, but the right–to download the latest Bruce Springsteen album free of charge?

Now, to quote Uncle Bill, "I'm with the invaders. No use trying to hide that." Of course, the next bit is something to the effect of "But I disagree with some of what they are doing."

And here we go.

Let's not have anybody stupidly running around saying that they have a right to get shit for free. For example, the only reason you can get my books for free–or at least, digital versions of them–is because I have decided to make them available for free. So you have no right to jack shit of mine, Mikael. As I've stated before, if it's my choice to make it available for free, I will more than likely do so, but if you come around here pissing and moaning about your right to my books, then I'd rather burn the fuckers than let you have them under those terms.

The battle you're fighting is to get businesses to change their business model so that what you're doing can be seen as a bonus for them if nothing else. They have to be convinced that piracy, or what they define as piracy, actually can generate sales as opposed to killing them off completely.

But if you go around saying that piracy's good because it gets you the shit you want for free, well, the companies are going to go down fighting you. Because in that scenario, they can't win. You see, creating this stuff takes time, talent and money. And while the people reading me right now are thinking, "Yeah, Widge, but those companies you're defending gave us Batman and Robin, Joey and The DaVinci Code." To which I say, "Yeah, but they also brought you Batman Begins, Deadwood and Harry Potter." They have been known to provide a bit of entertainment in their time.

If you kill the companies by demanding that you get their shit for free, then what are we left with? Watching teenagers act stupid on YouTube? Are you really telling me that you would support the guys who made House (the series, not the movie franchise mind you) to go make it without a network's support? Wait, no, Mikael, of course not–because you have the right to that series without paying a dime–anywhere, anytime. That means you should be able to get it commercial free and on demand, and the networks should just suck it up and deal.

So, Mikael, you're not helping. Get your shit together. There is a way that this can end with everybody happy, but if you're demanding everything for nothing then no one's going to take you seriously. And the artists who do actually sort of agree with most of what you're up to–like me–are going to leave you for the wolves because you've gotten out of line with too many imaginary "rights."

March boldly into the 20th Century in regards to those three issues and then come back and talk to me about your reliable phone service.

Love,
Widge

Love,
Widge

It almost gets this bad:

Street Vendor: Say, mister, would you like a ice cream cone?

Doctor Light: Hmmm, yes. It melts just like the innocence of Sue Dibny after I RAPED HER.

I mean honestly. This shit is horrible.

SHUT UP & SING illustrates that freedom of speech is fine… as long as it's not exercised in public.

Is there any better illustration of the fact that free speech works in this country than three chicks who are so blatantly unaware of how free speech works who make a documentary showing off their ignorance?

The way the Dixie Chicks think free speech works, apparently, is that by me using my right to free speech to criticize them for using their right to free speech, I am somehow usurping their right to free speech. Their definition of free speech apparently is the ability to say whatever you want and not get criticized.

Does this qualify as irony at all?

P.S. "God bless them," for those that don't know, translates from Southern into English as "They're so stupid."

Yes, it's about the whole Aqua Teen idiocy. A couple of points to make:

5. The FCC can't pull a private cable network's license, Mayor Hyperbole McFuckwit.

You shouldn't have told him that, amigo. Now he's going to push for some way of making that reality. Government folks want absolute power like Stephen Colbert wants to control reality via Wikipedia.

Sidebar: ten years ago we would have truly thought that "Wikipedia" was some kind of silly-named device used to take over/destroy the world. Omegahedron, anyone?

And from the ToonZone editorial he links to:

The government's handling of this situation has proven incompetent at best.

Why am I a borderline anarchist? Because in this world, that statement is applicable every single day. Think about it. When's the last time you looked at something the government did and went, "Hey, you know what? Wow. I wouldn't have changed a single thing about that. Goddamn, that was slick." Instead, that same line can be used for: border security, airport security, port security, the war in Iraq, Katrina, the national budget, respect for the Constitution especially free speech, and on and on and on. Go ahead, try it: think of something, and that line just fits doesn't it? We need that line on billboards.

Also, people keep talking about the other cities in which the campaign was based and how only Boston freaked, but I wonder how many people actually called in a freakout? I think–and this is based on the normal amount of hysteria that's in the air (liquids on planes, anyone?)–that the other cities were a phone call away from doing the same thing.