Slightly late to the party on this one, but here we go.

Now that it's been revealed that worrying about terrorists targeting gumballs is fucking lunacy (because really, when all of our public transportation, ports, borders, and everything else is pretty much an open target, gumball protection being a priority is the height of madness), the aldermen reveal their "real" idea: licensing gumball machines.

That's right: of all the other problems facing the town like "overcrowded housing, taxi ordinances and redevelopment projects" says the Daily Record (cached version here), not to mention others we can probably think of because they're problems everywhere (education, perhaps?), we want to license gumball machines.

[Alderman Frank] Poolas said he is convinced that the town needs to license gumball machines and other currently-exempt devices to better protect children against food-borne illnesses and defective toys. He also said such a licensing scheme could make it easier to track down someone who might use gumball machines in an unlikely, if not impossible, attempt to poison kids. Source.

Question: when was the last time you heard about a kid getting sick from something they ate out of a gumball machine? Has there been an E. coli outbreak from gumballs that I haven't heard of? I'm being serious when I ask that…is this really some sort of safety issue I've just missed? And the defective toys business…what does that mean? If the spider ring breaks within 30 days of purchase? (And yes, I know some toys shouldn't be given to kids to screw around with, but if the parent won't check the toys to ensure they're not going to kill their kid, they probably expect Alderman Poolas to come and ensure that the doors to where they keep the drain cleaners are secured as well. Should we license parents?)

And let's go ahead and think like a loony alderman for about five seconds. Let's assume that all gumball machines are licensed, and the government is wasting lots of money and time making sure they know what goes in the gumball machines and where it's come from. Then let's assume, because we're in Loony Alderland, that a terrorist decided that poisoning gumballs was a good idea. Are they going to log this on a schedule somewhere? No, they're going to do Bad Things to the gumballs without said Bad Things showing up anywhere. So all your vaunted licensing won't help you.

No, you're trying to build a bridge not just where there's no water, but in the middle of the Gobi desert. Why not just be up front about it and say you want to eek some more money in a scheme that adds absolutely no value to the experience of getting a gumball out of a machine? At least then I could have some respect for you idiots.

You must be proud, Dover. You must be so proud.

Okay, so it really is Overstock's policy to be pushy.

You know how you dread going into some stores because you're going to be pounced on by a sales rep?

I'm on their site looking at comforters again, yes? And I'm going back and forth between two browser windows, scrolling up and down and comparing information, when guess what pops up?

Good God, people. Can't you just leave us be? I feel like the screaming guy in the second episode of Black Books. When I want to buy something from you, I'll let you know. Otherwise, just simmer down, wouldja?

They've raked through my mind, read my innermost desires, and have tapped into my greatest weakness: my neurotic, completist desire to have my favorite geek films vivisected and analyzed, along with the ability to raid the vaults for every single version ever for the slightest shred of alternate dialogue and/or footage.

The result of this breaking and entering into my secret wants and needs?

This.

On one hand, I can't stop drooling. On the other hand, I feel so psychically violated.

You…

You bastards.

You BASTARDS.

All right, here's the debrief.

As I mentioned previously, we moved to the Dreamhost PS virtual private server thing. Unfortunately, we were getting clobbered by something somewhere that was keeping us from even getting to the site via the Web. FTP was fine, though.

Now, as to what actually happened, I have no idea. The two theories offered up by Dreamhost technical support were that we were getting hit by some bots that we had previously been shielded from on the shared hosting and/or some bot was creating some sort of endless loop that was making our PHP processes inflate to bursting.

(more…)

If you're reading this, then either the One Tusk Pantheon is back online or you got really fucking lucky. We're in the middle of some sort of shitstorm that I don't even understand. Here, join me in a tour of my misery:

So we are now on a virtual private server on Dreamhost. Basically, for those who don't know–and you're happier not knowing, just trust me on this–I'll put this as simply as I can.

Let's think about this like a train.

(more…)

Which is good, because they haven't blown my mind with music in a long time.

Here's the really scary bit from this Time article:

"This feels like yet another death knell," emailed an A&R executive at a major European label. "If the best band in the world doesn't want a part of us, I'm not sure what's left for this business."

Yes, hurrah for realizing you're a red shirt on the Titanic there, buddy. But what gives me pause is this notion that Radiohead is the best band in the world.

If that is the case, then it's yet another death knell for music in general.

Good thing I'm not bitter.

Found via SEOBook.

Here's the full article. My favorite bit:

Now facing six weeks off work, he said warning labels on the products should be revamped to alert people that excessive consumption could lead to death. Labels currently warn against consuming more than two cans, or 1.5 bottles a day, without describing the consequences. 'They say [on energy drink labels] don't have more than this much,' Mr Penbross said. 'But they don't say if you have too much, what will happen.'

That's right, Mr. Penbross. You also aren't told expressly not to drive your car off a cliff. And, on the Batman costume, when it says "Cape does not enable user to fly," it does not expressly state what will happen if you try anyway.

Bad shit is what happens, you jackass. It's not like they're trying to hide the fact that after the fifth Red Bull you suddenly gain magical powers or something. You had 640mg of caffeine in five hours while involved in a sporting activity that was already taxing your system. You obviously don't have a serious tolerance because I have 400mg of caffeine at a single go. But that's because I have a huge tolerance and I know my limits. And I go find out how much caffeine I'm taking in and control the levels by watching what I'm ingesting.

Thank you for admitting you are a terminal imbecile. On behalf of everyone, please: don't breed.

And listen to me, everybody. I know we take a light-hearted approach to being caffeinated and buzzy and whatever, but do not fuck with caffeine. It is your friend as long as you don't piss it off.

Know. Your. Limits.

Sorry for the rant. I just get pissed off by idiots who make life difficult for the rest of us.

Found via Neatorama.