Dear Google: Give Up on the Trogs
Posted on 02.26.06 by Widge @ 9:47 pm

Dear Google:

The idiots who are suing because they don't want you to help promote their books now think that the Perfect 10 case, in which you might be impacting mobile porn as a burgeoning revenue stream, gives some added ammunition to their lawsuits.

Here's an idea. I realize you're trying to make everything on the planet searchable, but for these idiots who don't want you to help them sell their books, I suggest you adopt this policy:

Fuck em. Just fuck em.

Why not help authors who like you make shitloads of money then we can laugh when the others come crawling back to you for aid and succor? I'll make the popcorn…

Found via Slashdot.

Filed under: General BS
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Paul Anka Covering "Wonderwall"
Posted on 02.26.06 by Widge @ 7:24 pm

If this doesn't make you want to punch a kitten, then I'll be amazed.

Filed under: General BS
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Genius at Work or Sheer Stupidity? As Always, It's a Toss-Up
Posted on 02.26.06 by Widge @ 6:54 pm

As the movie of the most overhyped book of our time approaches–a movie in which the trailer gives away at least one very important plot point, if not two–a new website, DaVinci Outreach, has launched, promoting "an easily accessible, question-and-answer book that thoroughly refutes the blasephmous [sic] claims that are harming the faith of millions in The Da Vinci Code."

Okay, I've got to say something about this.

First of all, when you're trying to counter something, at least be able to spell it, fellas. It's "blasphemous"…um, well, for Christ's sake. I mean, when I'm dashing out a website I make spelling mistakes too, but when it's a core idea of your website, run a spellcheck. You don't see me writing "fcition" or "fntasy" or some crap like that. If you do, feel free to smack me in a comment.

Second, on the surface, this just looks like a key problem with most religions: when you start to believe one book of fiction is true, then all other books of fiction can be true as well. These people actually think DaVinci Code is real. And granted, Dan Brown has, as I understand it, been stating that his book is based on a lot of facts. However, that is because Brown may be a hack, but he is also a marketing genius. Either that, or he's got people on staff that are marketing geniuses. Nothing sells like controversy, and so he's taking a book that is obviously fictional and painting it with a non-fiction brush in order to get people to buy it.

Which means that either the Catholic Church is in on the scam or they're just ridiculously dense. Again, it's a toss up, isn't it? Because hmm, let's see, the Catholic Church and conspiracy just go like hand and glove, don't they? And what do they get out of it? A crisis of faith where they can get on the news, easy sermon ideas, and folks like the people behind this website can sell some books.

Sidebar: what is this crisis of faith nonsense, anyway? Have you ever met somebody whose faith was shaken by a book of fiction? I mean, I've met plenty of folks who when doing research using non-fictional sources, they've come out of it with a new view on life, but fiction? Again, I wonder sometimes if these people can tell the difference.

Back to the dense part: they would have to be remarkably obtuse to keep making statements about this book three years after its release. That's right, according to Amazon, the hardcover hit in March of 2003. I know it's hard to imagine a time when this book was invading our lives. Has this thing been out of the news for a month at a time? No? Why is that? Because every time you turn around there's somebody from the Catholic Church denouncing the thing, when everyone in the world has moved onto other books. It's like they want to make sure every Catholic has bought their very own copy–or, since these people are notorious for protesting things they haven't actually read or seen–at least have it in their minds. Do these people not understand they are a marking dream come true? This is why I think: man, must be they're in league with Brown. Otherwise, why would you keep bringing it up long enough for the movie hype to take over where they book hype faded?

Okay, one last thought and this ramble will go away. I know you know people who have said that the book was the best thing they read all year. Here's a quiz: ask them just how many books they read that year. Because, let's face it: if you only read whatever Oprah says to read or "the next book everybody's reading," then yeah, Brown can be an okay page-turner–simply because you don't know any better.

What is the lesson? Take a page from Brown and Gibson: create something controversial, and fan the flames, while watching your book sales soar.

Will I learn from it? Sadly, probably not.

Filed under: General BS
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Some Music Updates
Posted on 02.25.06 by Widge @ 2:02 am

Been meaning to throw more of these at you. Life beat me up in an alleyway and coated me with spray cheese. It was traumatic. And 1/3 less fattening than a normal metatextual mugging.

  • Innocence Mission's "What a Wonderful World"–I'm behind on grabbing their albums. Their first is still my favorite, but they're all pretty damn good. This is a cover I didn't know existed. Very nice. Found at Puddlegum.
  • Rilo Kiley's "Bulletproof"–There's always something endearing about a sweet-sounding female vocalist singing an "It's over" song with lines like "How many blows to the belly will this take/ That we refer to as our true love?" Priceless. Found via Music for Kids Who Can't Read Good.
  • Matchbook Romance's "In Transit (for you)"–I could listen to this for freaking days. "Monsters" is pretty righteous as well. Found them via Ex Best Friend.
  • sourceVictoria's "Burn the Pianos"–Slow, steady, methodical and presumably sad. I keep going into this weird zone whenever I try to focus on the lyrics. Normally when one sings about setting fire to things, you're either being profound or you're wishing you were Art of Noise. Found via So Much Silence.
  • Richard Swift's "The Million Dollar Baby"–Happy slightly poppy vocals with a chorus that says, "I wish I was dead most of the time/ But I don't really mean it, no…" Fun to sing along with in the car when you're going to the job that makes you feel that way. Found via PocketTrax.
  • Taxpayer's "When They Were Young"–Pretty much tasty straight up rock. As opposed to rawk. There is a difference. Found at Ben Loves Music.
  • Weezer's "Pink Triangle"–I never was able to stomach Weezer before. I think that's because, aeons ago, when that goddamn sweater song of theirs was on the radio–and I was still listening to radio (that's right, kids, back then you had to listen to broadcast radio if you didn't own an 8-track in your car)–that song would make me break out in raging, four-part harmony hives. I must needs revisit them after hearing this. Hilarious. Found via Grow Wings.

I'd like to also point out that the "Numb Encore" mashup of Linkin Park and Jay-Z is something I can actually listen to. I think I've reached the conclusion that Linkin Park is for pe0ple who look at Korn and go, "Yeah, that's a little too heavy for me, thanks."

More later. All of this found with the aid of the evil that is The Hype Machine. Stay away from that place if you know what's bad for you.

Filed under: General BS
Comments: None


The Hurtt Prize
Posted on 02.24.06 by Widge @ 6:55 pm

If this original story is accurate, then this is genius.

Found via Reason's Hit and Run.

Filed under: General BS
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Marble Mocha Macchiato and The American Way
Posted on 02.24.06 by Widge @ 6:17 pm

Stopped by a Target to check something out…what should I find but a Starbucks. This is not news. What I found novel, however, is what they handed me along with my "venti quad no-whip" marble mocha macchiato. For those of you not well versed in Starbuckspeak, that basically means I got the drink with four espresso shots, in the largest size available, without flagellation.

The bonus bit was a "marble chocolate stir stick," defined as "a blend of Belgian milk chocolate and white chocolate," the idea being that I should stir this into my drink, thus upping the chocolate content therein.

And I thought to myself: yes. This is the American way: have a stick of chocolate to add to this heaping frothy coffee chocolate concoction. Why? Because, dammit, anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

I love this country.

Filed under: Insomnia
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Content #2 is Going Online
Posted on 02.21.06 by Widge @ 3:21 am

Gia-Bao Tran is putting up a page a week from the new Content #2. I talked about the previous issue here. Click Comics on the left hand side of the screen (lower part of a guy's face) and check out the goodness.

You see, online comics should work like that: Tran can write and draw. To quote a wise man: I weep in my soul.

To drown my sorrows, here's Page 9 of Next Wave Issue 4, courtesy of my non-artistic ass.

Filed under: General BS
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Remix These Olympics. Please.
Posted on 02.20.06 by Widge @ 11:44 pm

Okay, I've only caught snatches of the Olympics the past few days, but it seems that what has always been true continues to be true: the commentators the network has on hand are all freaking terrible.

Creative people of the world, thusly I implore: fix this. You have two options.

1) Get a bunch of creative, witty, knowledgeable people together to watch the Olympics and record the commentary. These days you can even do it remotely from different locations. Don't feel up to the task? Listen to the people they have on there now…your pet rabbit would be more compelling. Throw the audio together then toss it online as a podcast. When folks grab the Olympics from the TiVo to play later, they simply turn down the audio and listen to you instead.

2) Grab the video from your own TiVo and remix the audio in, then release it via BitTorrent to the rest of the world.

Please. Somebody. It's painful to watch. If not before this Olympics passes, you have two years before the next batch. Get on it.

Filed under: General BS
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Reclaiming the Horror Genre?
Posted on 02.16.06 by Widge @ 10:27 pm

I have a problem with most horror stories, movies, novels, what have you. I'm wondering if I'm the only one. The problem is this: most movies that you might think of, at first glance, as a "horror"movie, simply aren't of that genre. Most are thrillers, or, if you're lucky, thrillers with horror elements.

Let me tell you where I'm coming from with this. When I first saw 28 Days Later, I found myself feeling horror for the first time in the cinema in a long while. Specifically, I'm thinking of the brief shot of the community message board that this structure had turned into, where people were leaving things like "Have you seen my daughter?" and "I'm infected, I'm so sorry…" and so forth. The entire thing was covered with these messages, and you only got the briefest of shots, but it was enough to let you know that the situation was truly horrific. That was a testament to the lives, in that film, that had been devastated by the outbreak. Horrifying.

When dude goes to seek out his parents and what he finds…that's horror.

That, and other moments within that film, reminded me what it was to get horrified at a horror movie. I realized that what I'd been mistaking for true horror was simply terror. Horror movies should horrify, thrillers thrill and terrify. There's a subtle difference.

Let's get down to brass tacks for a minute. I looked up "horrify" and got "To cause feelings of horror." Great, thanks. But for horror, I got this:

• An intense, painful feeling of repugnance and fear.
• Intense dislike; abhorrence.

Painful repugnance. Abhorrence. That works. Now, if I watch a Friday the 13th flick, I really don't feel that. Why? Because most slasher flicks are simply thrillers. There's seldom anything horrific–at least in a movie–about people being stalked and killed one at a time. But compare the feelings you get from watching a slasher flick to the feeling of watching John Hurt "hatch" in the middle of Alien. I can't imagine anybody who didn't twist and turn when they watched that scene unfold.

You can even make the comparison inside a movie–let's take the recent House of Wax remake as an example. The movie was better than it had any right to be, frankly. And it had a lunatic final sequence which deserved a better film to be stitched on. But there's three things here.

First, I don't count what are essentially torture sequences as horror. The heroine having to rip her lips open after they've been super glued together or losing part of a finger–to me, that's just the gross-out. Anybody can go for that. Sure, if you want to be technical, that's horrific. But there's nothing artful about that.

But second, there are some truly horrific moments in the film. When dude smacks at the wax "dummy" of his friend and knocks part of the skin away, only to reveal the jaw underneath–when you think about being paralyzed, encased in wax, and you're still alive–that's messed up. That's horror, folks.

However, most of the rest of the film is just "being chased by/avoiding the bad guys," which is just straight-up thriller stuff. The new spin on the serial killer is that they're brothers and one's disfigured. Whoopee.

And that's the problem: a cheap "boo" has taken the place of real horror. A cat jumping out at the right moment is not horror, nor is the "turn around and be shocked by somebody standing there" schtick.

We need more moments of horror in fiction and film. And it's hard to do. I was thinking Something Else #51 would be horrific in nature, though it wound up simply sad. Something Else #50 is probably the closest thing to what I'm talking about I was able to pull off–the idea that such a terrible ritual could be compared to the Christian ideal of communion I would think would be fairly horrific to any self-aware Christian.

I honestly haven't written too many pure horror stories. Dark fantasy is where most of them fall, which I think is a convenient bucket for anything that simply doesn't want to be taken that far. For that matter, I honestly don't go into writing aiming for a genre of any sort…the things just sort of happen like they want to.

Anybody else feel like this? Or should the shmoe shut up and sit down?

Filed under: General BS
Comments: 6 Comments


Don't You Love It When Famous People Whine?
Posted on 02.16.06 by Widge @ 9:29 pm

Bode Miller speaks.

"I used to have a better life when I was nobody."

There's an easy fix for that, boyo.

"This pressure is inhumane, born out of an athlete's need to be number one. Sport should be a pleasure, a challenge against one's self. Sport is an act of freedom. On the piste you can push your limits and that is the essence of life."

Rrrrrright…that's why you went to the Olympics, because you thought it would be a nice, quiet, intimate sports thing that might get some play on ESPN2 between the Strong Man Competition and a report on sixth-graders who enjoy miniature golf…? If all you wanted was to just be the best in the world, you could break the record on your own time and just know it for yourself. You know, if you're just challenging yourself and all.

Sorry, I just get really pissed off when people work really hard to be famous, then whine about the "price of fame" while talking about how they never really wanted it like they have it. All this while there's no doubt tons of folks who would love that kind of problem.

So I'm sure there's plenty of skiers who would love it if you became a nobody again and freed up a space in the limelight, Bode. Just a thought.

Filed under: General BS
Comments: 5 Comments


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John Robinson is a writer of prose, poetry and comics who also writes under the pseudonym of Widgett Walls.

Widgett Walls is the director of Needcoffee.com who also writes under the pseudonym of John Robinson.

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