Hi. I'm at a debutante ball with my Sidekick and full bars. Not cash bars, mind you, but a strong signal. Frou frou factor is currently at lethal levels. The canary I brought with us to warn us of danger is currently knocking back schnapps…so we could be doomed. The centerpiece on the table looks like the severed limb of Alec Holland. Stay tuned for more updates. This could be fun. I turned down an invitation to one of these one time for the protection of the person who invited me…now you get to see why.

Update: It's now 7:17pm. I must urinate and return quickly to the main hall…the doors are locked at 7:30 and no one is allowed admittance after that time. I assume that at 7:31 the ritual goat sacrifices begin. Seriously, how cool would it be if the ball itself was like From Dusk Till Dawn or the bacchanal of the mad Cthulhu cult, complete with bonfire? These centerpieces would burn like crazy if you threw them all in a pile. Hmmm, then I would be armed only with silverware against the hordes…but ah! Would I have ever felt so alive?

No, I don't drink. Why do you ask?

Update: It's 7:30…the doors are being bolted…and the fanfare of the horns makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing at Medieval Times. The high priest has taken the podium…prepare the steeley knives with which to stab the beast! Bring it! Must eat things with faces! Ia! Ia! Oh. Sorry.

Update: 7:35…I swear to god the horns are kicking with an excerpt from Atom Heart Mother…what the hell did they slip in my water glass?

Update: It's 7:48…they're presenting the debs…the musical accompaniment is the most vicious lounge music you have ever heard…isn't this the musical score from Austin Powers? It is really godawful terrible.

Update: Lounge version of "I'd Like to Teach the World to sing." I shit you not. 7:55.

Update: If kid gloves aren't made from real
children, then what, pray tell, is the point? 8:10.

Update: This shocking update has been reported to me by a correspondent from the ladies' room: there is a vigorous debate going on as to whether or not the chandelier coverings are real silk or not. More information on this breaking story as we get it in. 8:55.

Update: The evening is now officially paid for. Ran into two very cool people that I got to share a very bizarre trip with when I was young and foolish. Incredible to see them again after all this time. 9:23.

Update: Holy crap. The debs received a petit four the size of your fist that was encased in a buttercream ganache blend that's comprised of crack cocaine, there's so much sugar in it. The deb in question didn't want it, so I got it. All the sugar. I can now see through walls. Hooooooooo doggie. 10:10.

Update: The jury on the silk thing is still debating heavily with no sign of a consensus. Otherwise, I just wanted to comment that a rather large drunk man in a tux just walked past the table, carrying a bouquet and moaning, "Oh goddddd…" Thankfully, not something you see everyday. 12:13.