There's one thing I can say for you folks that hire people to dress up (as Uncle Sam, in a tuxedo, in some kind of furry animal costume) and stand on the sidewalk waving to cars going by and holding up a sign that touts your wares…

…you've obviously never driven past somebody doing this.

Of course you haven't. You're busy inside your business working your ass off to run said business. So you don't get to drive home until it's dark and the person(s) you hired have gone home. So let me educate you a bit…

The first thing we think when we drive past these paid emissaries of yours is: shit, I would hate to be that guy/gal. Because this is Georgia, it's either really really hot and humid, or really really cold. The more clothing the person is wearing, the stronger this thought is. Unless we are stopped at a red light, that thought is generally enough to carry us past the person in question after which they are forgotten, because some asshole just tried to cut in front of us. Again.

But let's say we're stopped at a red light and we actually have an opportunity to gawk at this strange apparition. The second thing we then think is: man, do they look bored. This is not always the case. Usually, they're wearing headphones and listening to music, but every now and then you get somebody who's been moved by the spirit and they're jamming their happy ass off. Which is, you know, kinda amusing and does draw our attention. For a second. But of course, depending on the weather and how long they've been at it, this shaking of the proverbial groove thing is a temporary condition. Usually they're standing around looking like a zombie extra waiting for Big Daddy to show them how to work the machine gun.

The third thing we notice, in case we're still stopped at the red light, is the fact they're holding a sign. Generally, we notice this while they are holding it flaccidly by their side, sometimes upside down, seldom with the actual printing facing outward where we, their audience, can read it. It is then only curiosity that demands we wait until the sign flaps back so we can find out just what the ad-zombie is shilling.

Come on.

Come on…that's right, just tilt it…

Oh for Christ's sake, at least hold it at an angle that will…

Oh, okay. Condos.

Since that's the extent of what we're curious about, we're done. That's what we walk away with. Ad-zombie. Doing what? Jamming/not jamming and sweltering/freezing to death. Selling what? Income tax service or condos. Notice…I didn't say the most important thing: the name of your business.

Passed an ad-zombie today: not jamming, sweltering and condos. Couldn't tell you the name of the business. Couldn't even tell you where it was since the sign had an arrow on it and it was pointed at the curb, and I somehow doubt the condos were underground. Not that that, you know, wouldn't be cool–Morlock Condominiums or something–but it's just highly unlikely.

And yet, somehow these ad-zombies must be doing something for the business, because you hire them. And yet, I don't know anyone who would be driving past and suddenly veer off into a parking lot saying, "Zounds! The Statue of Liberty herself, while jamming to her iPod beat, has beckoned me to come and get my income taxes done…in an hour! I am a huddled mass, yearning to breathe free of my 1040! Posthaste, sirs! Your sixty minutes…have begun!"

No. I just don't see it happening.

So please, business owners of America. Or at least Georgia. No more ad-zombies. They're bored-looking, they're dying of heatstroke, and they do not crank anyone's tractor when it comes to your product(s). They just make us question your judgement in hiring them in the first place. And really, OSHA would come and spank your ass for having that guy in the gorilla suit in this heat. Have a heart.