BY JESUS!

The Dayball.

"Oh shit, get Jesse out here and start up the car. And break out the black spray paint."

I am in the desert. It is 5am here. Outside, a legion of cheerful bird calls resound, heralding the new day. I am filled with the desperate need to find the bastards and kill them to shut them the hell up. Then I want to cook them and eat them. Sadly, the one thing I could have used as a weapon was taken from me by the TSA. It's obvious the birds and the government are working together against me.

In my semi-insane state, I keep expecting the dude from the Tokens to begin crooning "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," where upon I will want to kill, cook and eat him as well. You are all bastards. More later.

I was so pleased to see this in the airplane's bathroom. Apparently if a small child is bothering you, you simply pull down this device, lay the baby on its back, and shut the device again, thus ejecting it from the plane. Sadly, I did not have an opportunity to try out its effectiveness. Maybe on the trip home.

I know I'm an idiot for forgetting and packing my scissors, but they didn't check my laptop, my Sidekick, or my iPod. But they took my beard scissors. So all of the electronic devices that could screw with the plane are fine, but I might flip out and decide to cut someone's hair mid-flight. Right.

Also, the plane has these nifty little video screens. And while boarding, they show these soothing nature videos, I guess to take everyone's minds off the fact that I won't be able to give them a trim during our journey together. Which sounds good when you're reading this off a website. But you know how much coffee I drink, and soothing pictures of streams and ocean currents just really make me want to pee.

So I have a full bladder and crazy facial hair. Pray for me.

Update: The drop-down communal video screens are to replace the now useless tiny video screens in the back of the seat in front of each person. That company, the flight attendant mentioned, went bankrupt.

Also, they said that we had to go and get the engine that runs the air and stuff powered up out on the runway by a cart. So that's nice that even airlines have AAA memberships. I wonder if they get a group deal.

"Any valid theory of our universe must be consistent with our existence as human beings, at this particular time and place in that universe, the vast majority of whom are deserving of scorn and distrust."

Click.