The Red Skull has used the Cosmic Cube to transform Cap into a mountain! See the startling conclusion of "This Man–This Molehill!" $13.99. 6 pages.

One of the only places in the world where you can find a guy, dressed as a cowboy, handing out flyers and announcing, "Two dollar margaritas, five authentic gunfights!"

I'm standing on a hill as I type this. I'll add the picture later. Off to the west is a pink and purple sunset, as well as dark clouds and lightning flashes, as well as rain that's not even making it to the ground–it evaporates on the descent.

Why am I telling you this? Because I can. As if any other explanation is warranted.

So in our wanderings, we came across this:

Which contained this:

And looking at this, I'm sure you're thinking the same thing we were:

"Holy crap, we need some playing cards."

Amazingly, somebody just happened to have some. So…

We played blackjack with Jesus and the Disciples.

Amazingly, I managed to get two kings while playing with the King of Kings. Of course, Jesus beat me in that hand with a nine of hearts and a twelve of clubs.

And lest you think I'm the seriously blasphemous one, the little kid next to me was saying, "Hit me, Jesus, hit me!" And Jesus did. He smote the child with two fours and a Jack, then another Jack to bust him. Then Jesus went on to get twenty-one with fourteen cards.

The desert is a harsh place. This…is a mountain. It committed adultery and has been forced to wear this giant "A" on its side ever since. Even though it did so for the good of its country, and thus the A is red white and blue, still it is there, like a badge of shame.

The plaque on the mountain said it had been there since 1915.

The desert…is also unforgiving.

I remember when picking up a copy of the Weekly World News used to be a treat.

But now…here's just an example. A story of a little girl who sang so hard so literally sang her heart out. As in, while doing her medley of songs from Footloose, her heart burst from her chest. Sounds good so far, right?

The little girl's last name is Clamor. The teacher's name is Mrs. Warble. The school nurse's name is Nurse Chapel. The doctor's name is Dr. Klott. The girl's condition: cardiac cannonitis.

See? They're not even trying anymore. I can't tell if they've given up on the gullible and have just decided to go for the stupid, or if they're trying to become a parody of their former self-parody. What happened to the good old days when our Senators were space aliens? Or Bat Boy? Or the World's Fattest Man finding love with the World's Skinniest Woman?

I am filled with sadness. I will go and listen to Art Bell so that I may find comfort.