Notes taken while viewing Star Wars 3 (Spoilers abound)
I was typing on my Sidekick in shorthand like mad, so if I couldn't figure out what the hell I was talking about, I tried to pull it. But if it still doesn't make sense…well, there it goes, I guess. Like I said, this is riddled with spoilers, and, as the movie progresses, more and more profanity. So…just be warned. And for those of you coming directly here from somewhere else, the review I did this for is here.
What the hell is up with Kenobi's new accent?
Buzz Droids? What kind of stupid weapon is that?
There's absolutely no tension in a scene where a character who appears in Episode IV is in danger. Don't try to pretend there is.
Why don't you just Jedi the fucking Buzz Droids off of your ships, assholes?
When the hell did R2 get a taser?
Droids whimper as they die? Oh Jesus.
Oh for God's sake. Grievous has ashtma? WTF.
Droids got the drop on Jedis? WTF??
Wait, wait. That thing Kenobi threw R2 was a communicator? You mean there's not something built-in to the goddamn droid they can use to talk to it? And the communicator conveniently sounds like a bullhorn? OFFS.
"Hands up, Jedi"?
"Oh, it's you"? You can sense Dooku in a giant fucking ship but you can't even tell it's your own student dropping into the elevator?
"My eyes, my eyes?"
Where's C3PO when you need him to say something stupid like "I guess you gave them the hot foot, R2."
How much do you need to be paid to be able to say, with a straight face, "You won't get away this time, Dooku"?
"How did this happen? We're smarter than this?" No, you're not. You're really, really not.
"Excuse me?" "You're welcome?" The droids need to stop. Please stop.
"Ow?" Make. The droids. Stop.
General Grievous…wasn't he supposed to be a badass? Best hand to hand combat guy in the galaxy or something? And all he does is run away? WTF?
Wait? "We'll take you in"? How do the fireships of Coruscant know this is now piloted by good guys? It's General Grievous' ship for God's sake.
Landing strip? For what? They have 747s on Coruscant or something?
Oh what the hell. Padme's got Leia-hair.
Okay, after such a weakass showing in the battle sequence, Grievous should not have this kind of musical score behind him. Unless this is John Williams desperately trying to invoke menace in this character. Wait…THIS is the Phantom Menace!
Grievous, get an inhaler or something, okay? Seriously.
It takes hours to brush one's hair out of Leia-mode.
Holy shit, this is bad dialogue. Wow. Two blocks away from the cinema, people are wincing.
"I love you more!" "No, I love YOU more!" "No, no, it's me who loves YOU more!" Oh JE-SUS.
Man, I wish I had a prophecy saying that I was going to kick major ass. Then I could knock up a major leader in the Galactic Senate and act the total prick with impunity! "Dude, why are you such a prick?" "Hey, yo, who's the chosen one in the house, huh? C'mere, ya sexy bunhead."
Let's stop the movie for a moment while Padme explains The Point of It All, shall we?
Man, that fountain in the background is really making me feel the need to pee.
"Don't shut me out, let me help you." "Not if you're going to start making half-assed references to a political situation aeons in the future on Earth."
Am I the only one who thinks that Christensen and Portman could have been replaced by any two random high school actors and we would have been better off for the switch?
Did she just say she wished for "No plotting"? Haven't you been paying attention? Lucas already provided the lack of a plot. [rim shot!] Tip your waitress.
What are they watching? Is this Cirque du Soleil with giant energy eggs?
See, now that this has been politicized, does that make Darth Plagus (Plague-us, wow, that's rich) a stem cell scientist? I dunno.
Hmm, let's see: Palpatine is the #1 proponent of the benefits of Sith, and nobody catches on. In the twelve years since this trilogy started. The Jedi are morons.
"Charge!" An actually stirring image of an army of Wookies hauling ass to attack (which they should have done in ROTJ, mind you) and Lucas has to break the mood with a droid's chipmunk voice saying "Charge!?" CHARGE?!??!
Wait, wait, wait…in an era of starships and hovercraft and all kinds of shit, you decide to attack by water???
Oh Jesus Christ. The freaking Tarzan yell.
"I want more and I shouldn't." That's right, because wanting to advance oneself leads to the Dark Side. Oh Lord, can we get Ayn Rand on the line please?
The R4 or whatever unit has to go back to the ship to give somebody a message? What? You can't just beam it out there?
"Without Count Dooku, I have doubts of your ability to keep us safe." Yeah, Grievous, especially since all we've seen you do is run like a scared and coughing little girl.
So…General Grievous is just Maximillian from Black Hole with light sabers. Gotcha.
Again, Kenobi is in Episode 4. This is kinda anti-climactic. We know he's going to live.
And so…Grievous retreats. Again.
"I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi." You can sense a plot? It's so tiny, your powers are amazing!
See, this makes me so unsympathetic to Kenobi as a character. I mean, we knew he had to have screwed the pooch, but to do it THIS BADLY? That all it takes is a little wheedling and flattery by Palpatine and the whole thing goes kablooey? My God.
So Grievous is about as hard to kill as a level boss in Doom? Gotcha.
C-3PO enters the scene at the end and…what? What was that for?
Wow, why did Windu pick the three shittiest Jedi to go with him to get Palpatine? And why, if you knew you were going up against a Sith lord, would you ONLY TAKE THREE? Are the Jedi on the council the only ones left? If so, then of course Anakin's pissed, because he's the only one not a Master!
It's revealed—all of this happened over a woman. Millions died and were enslaved because of a woman. Isn't that always the way?
Hayden can't even throw his allegiances to evil in a convincing way. That is truly sad.
"The Jedi are relentless." Yes, stupid and ineffectual. But relentless. Good call.
Ah, so there are MORE Jedi. So Windu's a tactical moron. I am Jack's utter lack of surprise.
So Sidious/Palpatine isn't going to comment on his new look at all? "I look like this in the next trilogy, so it's cool." (Note: He does later, of course, but he seems to take it in stride really well.)
What the hell? A Starship Troopers ripoff? Stormtroopers vs. insect drones?
That's right, Padme. Cry. This is all your fault. Except for the movie itself. We wouldn't put that burden on you.
The missing subtitles from the end of the Wookie scene with Yoda where they just stand around and exchange some lines in their language:
"He's deserting our asses, isn't he, Chewie?"
"Yeah. I told you we should have eaten him."
"Anakin, what are you going to do?" "It's okay, honey. I've subcontracted with another firm."
"Everything will soon be set right." Yes. Closing credits heal all wounds.
"Well, he has been under a lot of stress lately." Anakin never wants a second cup of coffee at home.
Basically, this is just a sci-fi snuff film. I'm coming to that realization.
"It can't be! It can't be!" Is this Kenobi reacting to watching Anakin slaughter Padawans, or the public reacting to this trilogy. Search your feelings.
Wait, what? Sidious actually came to the temple and gave Vader more orders where they knew security cameras were recording them? WTF?
Wait, what? "Send me to kill the Emperor?" He just became Emperor like two minutes ago on the other side of the city. You can't sense jack shit when it counts but you can sense that he's changed his job title? WTF?
Goddammit, there's that fountain again! Man, I need to pee!
So Anakin's awaiting a showdown with Obi-Wan in Mordor. Or whatever the hell that planet's called.
"I won't lose you the way I lost my mother." What, are you afraid Tusken Raiders are going to find her at you guys' apartment?
"Don't make me kill you." Yes, your line delivery is a lethal weapon. Please put it away.
"If you're not with me, then you're my enemy!" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. How bald-faced is that? Holy crap, this is really starting to become entertaining finally.
Again, Yoda stands there and lets himself take a full-force hit from Sidious. As though the preamble of him raising his hands and speechifying wasn't enough time to do something. Lord.
Oh my God. "Not if anything about it to say I have." Oh my GOD. You CANNOT be a badass with that syntax. Oh GOD, no.
"At an end your rule is." No, no, Yoda stop talking. Please stop talking. Aiieeee!!!!! It's the dark side of the dialogue!
Yoda dodging Senate boxed seats. That must be level six in the video game.
Anakin throw the ring into—shit, I'm confused. Sorry.
Okay, yeah…light saber fight on magma flow. Level seven.
Is there supposed to be some tragedy in the fall of Anakin? I mean, he's such a shithead. This entire trilogy is populated by shitheads. Dumb shitheads. Thank God it'll be over soon.
So the reason Darth Vader is such a problem in the first trilogy is only because Kenobi couldn't stop talking long enough to finish him off? WTF?
I loved you—so I'm going to not show mercy and let you just sort of immolate there on the shore. Great.
What is Kenobi waiting for? Somebody to show up with some fucking marshmellows? Jesus.
Holy shit! It's the hand of a Terminator! No, damn, it's Anakin. I thought I was in a better movie for a minute there.
It's okay, Padme. This movie is making me lose my will to live too. It's okay.
Goddamn, those are some BIG babies.
Wow. I thought people were kidding when they said Lucas ripped off Frankenstein. I was wrong. Wow. "NOOOO!" Wow. Just wow.
Wow. So that was the origin of Darth Vader. How incredibly lame.
"We must take them somewhere where the Sith cannot sense their presence." Well, considering that your spider-sense shit only works when it's convenient for the plot, I would say you could hide them next door, honestly.
Wait, it's going to take them THAT LONG to build the freaking Death Star? But even in the original trilogy, they—oh, hell, never mind.
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a-fucking-men! thank you…..
In your notes, you didn't have ONE single positive comment? Was this the worst movie ever made?
Rob: Well, I've added a link to my review up top, where I try to say a couple of good things, backhanded or not. But in answer to your question, no, it's not the worst movie ever made by far. Hulk is worse, for example, so are the Mummy movies. So no, it's not the worst movie made by far. There's Plan 9, Robot Monster, and a whole bunch between them and this one. Thanks for reading.
I am dissappointed you didn't mock some of my other favorite lines such as "Love can't save you now, only my new powers can!" and "From my point of view the Jedi are evil!" Overall, those were some excellent comments. I laughed out loud when I saw Palpatines shriveled head, and the just wouldn't stop showing it on screen. Oh, and I read your full review too, I'm glad someone finally attacked the opening scroll. When I started reading that in the theater I knew it was going to be shitty.
War!
Widge…you are fucking hilarious. Got to your review via Rotten Tomatoes, but loved these notes much more than your review. Great stuff! I've linked to this page in my review (at the bottom). http://www.supercalafragalistic.com/thisweek.htm
I think that you are I are in lockstep in the fact that we're not "haters", we're in fact fans who wanted this film to be so much more that it is…and it wouldn't have taken too much effort to actually get it there. Cheers!
Dominic: Good god, man. There was so much bad dialogue, I couldn't possibly have mocked it all. To go back and get the ones I missed, that would take watching it again. I already threw my body on the grenade once…
John V: Thanks, man. Yeah, I fear we're entering an era where a lot of hardcore fans (not just of this franchise but of anything) think that if you're a fan, you'll take whatever the creators dish out, without criticism. Just think: if people had just rolled over and accepted Jar-Jar, he probably would have turned out to be a Jedi by Episode 3.
Thanks to both of you for reading.
You should take your movie notes and publish them in a book. I haven't laughed that hard in a really, really long time. Some other great lines worth mocking were Ewan deadpanning "I can't watch anymore" and doesn't even turn away when viewing the security camera recording. Yeah, I couldn't believe it either. Or Portman: "I can't believe what I'm hearing." Yep, same here. My ears were bleeding. People like you should have been making these movies, not George Lucas. At least then they would be funny.
Matt: I've got plenty of other books to publish, but thanks.
That's just it, though: Star Wars isn't supposed to be funny, just entertaining. And it's not even supposed to be *great* highbrowfalutin' cinema. I mean, let's face it: the original movie is a sci-fi pulp adventure. It's a really damn good SF pulp adventure, but it's not Merchant Ivory, nor should it be. Now, if you want funny sci-fi, then I recommend Battlefield Earth. I'm telling you that BE is the funniest movie of the last decade. Thanks for reading.
Awesome work, Widge, I'm glad someone else saw the movie as I did. I was practically crucified for telling my friends that I was disappointed by it, and thank you so much for being the first person other than me to notice how odd it was that the Empire took over 20 years to build the first Death Star, but they had an even bigger second one done in six years tops.
PS- if you're looking for a really horrible, yet gruesomely entertaining sci-fi-ish horror flick, I strongly recommend "Sleepstalker." It's downright hilarious throughout, but for all the wrong reasons.
Ben: Thanks for the kind words. Yeah, I figure if people want to fool themselves into believing it was God's gift to cinema, let them. I still remember the hate mail I got for giving Phantom Menace 3.5 cups out of 5! I hate myself for that now, but for different reasons. Anyway, I'll check out Sleepstalker. I fear it, but we shall endeavor to endeavor. Thanks again for reading.
I loved your comments, I thought exactly the same things while watching the movie. Far too many people I knew watched it at the midnight screening and all of them LOVED it for no other reason than it's Star Wars and it's the last one. I mean they agree with all the complaints you have and they're still saying "but it's still one of the best movies ever made"…. right…
It boggles my mind that there are people who actually call it the best movie ever made. I mean, liking it is one thing, but there's no way this piece of junk even comes close to being the 1000th best movie ever made.
Anyways, seriously keep up the good work and call it like you see it. And Greivous was a HUGE dissapointment, esp given how awesome he was portrayed to be in the cartoon series.
"Just think: if people had just rolled over and accepted Jar-Jar, he probably would have turned out to be a Jedi by Episode 3."
Would this have been a bad thing? All the Jedi die in Episode 3…
Andrew: Yeah, I'd be wary of even liking it, just because it was so bad. At least the first two films were bad but coherent in their own badness. The fact that Lucas had to reduce his heroes to shitheads to make the original trilogy possible is just sad.
Kevin: Well, look at this way…he might have died. Or he might have gone with Yoda into seclusion and been worked into the original trilogy. Either way, it would have been wall-to-wall meesa Jedi for Episodes II and III. Would YOU have been willing to risk that just to see him die? Not I, my friend.
Thanks to both of you for reading.
PLease publish more of these!! I could not stop laughing and often your comments were almost the same as what went through my head. Seriously this movie should have alternate viewing rooms for people with brain cells, self-respect and respect for the first two Star Wars movies so we could shout at the screens as we watch. Maybe it will become a cult classic on midnight runs where people could do that. But as you say we would have to watch again. I will watch it again–on DVD with the sound off. I bet it is a way better mive that way.
Josh: I dunno, man. It's just so bad. It didn't bring me any joy to be typing these down. Episode III was supposed to be a tragedy and it was…it's terrible to have to do this to what should be an exemplary SF franchise. I would fully advocate the aforementioned Battlefield Earth should be raised to cult classic status. Let's face it, no one gives a damn about that movie, there's no investment in it (unless you're Travolta) and it's just so damn funny. I still want a sequel. Thanks for reading.
Great comments Widge. As a mother of full term twins I nearly had a fit when I saw the size of the babies! Believe me there was no way they could have fitted into the little bump in Padme's belly, nor could she have sprinted so quickly onto the ship!
After watching ROTS, I watched Episode IV again. Now when I see Kenobi and Vader have their lightsabre duel, I kept thinking, gee old age has sure slowed those two down a bit! No more backflips for them!
The other funny bit is that no-one seemed curious about who was the father of Padme's baby(/s)! The emperor seemed to know who it was but the Jedi were in the dark. Anakin wasn't even surprised the Emperor knew?!
Finally, it's a wonder that the Jedi weren't a bit wary of a Chosen One who would bring balance to the force, particularly as the Jedi seemed to out number the Sith to a huge extent. I think he really fulfilled his purpose in ROTS and brought the number to a much more even level!
Amber: I agree with you on all counts, but what kills me about the twins is that with all of that CG running around, you couldn't have "shrunk" the babies to look newborn? How hard is that? And also, again, the Jedi can't "sense" at all that the kids are Anakin's? Thanks for reading.
Your notes were a friggin' riot! Nearly pissed myself when I hit the Wookie subtitles comment. I'm a huge fan of the original franchise, and I really, really wanted this film to not suck. It didn't even have to be good. Not sucking would've made me happy. No dice. Thanks again for a really good read.
Eman: Yeah, you sound a lot like me. The bar got lowered so much by the first two movies that not even an amoeba could limbo under it and yet Lucas still blew it. Glad the notes are providing a lot of people some good therapeutic laughter. Thanks for reading.
in a way I am glad it sucked. It's just one less movie to buy on d'vid. Saves me money.
I hope ms. portman, mr. christensen and everyone else involved with this piecfe of crap are horribly embarrassed that they let themselves be duped into working on this fiasco. What a horrible waste of my time. damnit I hate it when that happens.
By the way widge loved the notes…my sentiments exactly.
HS: I'm sure they are embarrassed. Portman herself has stated that she didn't fare so well in the films because she was bored with making them. McGregor's changing accent shows how excited he was. But here's the thing: it's before EPISODE I was revealed to be the piece of shite it turned out to be. Lucas comes to you and offers you a role in the new trilogy. You wouldn't care if it was a bartender or Greedo Clone #3, you'd take it. I would have taken it. Hell, Sam Jackson BEGGED on national television to get in the trilogy. And they signed on thinking it would rock, just like we would have done. But by the time they realized was a colossal batch of guano the thing was going to be, it was too late. They were stuck. So I give the cast a pass on this. They couldn't possibly have known what crap this trilogy was going to turn out to be. Thanks for reading, amigo.
I agree totally with your notes. It really is none of the actors fault, since Portman and Christiansan have no experiance with live theater, and the lines are so bad that the only one I thought was halfway decent was "you were the chosen one". The first 20 minutes feels like a bloated boring battle that could have been used to help the plot along. and the rest was just dull. I think with a better director and screenwriter (lucas is neither), there actually could have been tension about obi-wan's peril - see Apollo 13 or any of the various movies that build tension even though we know what will happen.
Hey, thanks for reading. I should have been more explicit, but I was typing rather fast.
Of course having tension even though you know the ending is possible. APOLLO 13 is a good example, but even when it's not so concrete–INCREDIBLES was, if you think about it, a fairly predictable movie…but the point is, it was so much fun to get to your destination you didn't care about knowing what it was ahead of time. What I mean by saying that there's no suspense for these characters is that filmmakers just assume that an "ordinary" setting will bring about a feeling of tension. My favorite example was the deplorable X-FILES movie, in which Mulder almost takes a fall off a ledge. Considering I had read shortly before the film was released that he had signed a contract to do the following season of the show, I was just bored. I really dislike lazy filmmaking. Again, thanks for your comments.
Well, I say. That was a rather humorous review. And I do agree, the acting in the movie completely sucked. Grievous could have accautly been cool, but they decided to make him cough alot…wtf is up with that? Doesnt he go out in space? If he had to breathe, he would die when he did that. I guess the laws of physics change whenever you want them to. I almost would have prefered JarJar to that annoying green thing Obi was on that wouldnt shut up. Almost…
Mr. Threeve: Are you saying you think Obi-Wan should have used Jar-Jar as his steed instead of the giant iguana? LOL. That actually would have been pretty amusing. Wrong…but amusing. Thanks for reading.
Very funny man. Even though I fully enjoyed Episode III, these were still hilarious
The notes were hilarious….I couldn't get over how the dialogue would go from over the top formal ("Oh Anakin, let us go back to the early days of our love, where there were no wars blah blah blah") to modern day trite ("I don't even know you any more!") between one scene and the next.
What I did like is that I could picture Ewan McGregor as a young Alex Guiness, and you have to admit that you can't walk out of any Star Wars movie without an overwhelming desire for a light saber and a suit that makes you sound like James Earl Jones.
BTW, your "C'mere you sexy bunhead" line made me fall out of my chair laughing.
Sarah: McGregor was even more impressive, at least from a channeling Guinness standpoint, in Episode I. His mimicry of Sir Alec was amazing in that one. Surprisingly, the only channeling that was as good that year was Rob Lowe doing a young Robert Wagner in Austin Powers 2. So go figure. Thanks for reading.
single handledly the WORST movie I've seen so far. The plot was weak. The acting was horrible. The dialog distracting. I know were most of the budget for this bomb went to…to bribe the critics
Mike: Well, you guessed it. They did bribe all the critics. You should have seen my review BEFORE they paid me. Wow. Thanks for reading.
Doesn't appear that you gave this movie much of a chance. I think you averaged two criticisms per minute for much of the movie. Seems like you were more interested in blogging out your rage into your super-hip "Sidekick" than looking at what was up on the screen. Ugh.
Dear B: I notice you don't really defend the film against what I've said here because, on the whole, the film is indefensible IMO. Instead, you're falling back on accusing me of not paying attention to the film, as though somehow scrutinizing this piece of shit more closely than I normally do while watching a film would have suddenly illuminated me in a way that would cause Lucas' hackery to make sense. I'm glad you showed up, to be frank: I was beginning to wonder where the hate comments and hate mail were. But if you think that this is a great movie, that's all well and good, but I have three words for you: ELLSWORTH TOOHEY WINS. Now if you don't know what that means, then put down the light saber and read a real fucking book. You have a nice day.
Anyone who thinks of Ayn Rand as f–king legitimate literature should never pick up a keyboard. You try reading a real book–try some actual philosophy like, I dunno, The Apology (though you might be bored because there are no rape fantasies with male architects).
B: And anyone who thinks of George Lucas as a fucking legitimate writer or director needs to have his head examined. Can he create a phenom? Yes. Can he maintain the phenom? Apparently yes. Can he make lots of money? Yes, for which I respect him greatly. He feeds the masses shit and they thank him and give him money for it. Personally I'm a firm believer in the idea that fools and their money should be parted at the soonest opportunity. But can he write or direct worth a good goddamn? No. I haven't seen anyone able to defend that, least of all you. You haven't even attempted to refute any of my criticisms because you know you can't. You haven't even attempted to refute the implication I made above that Episode 3 is "No Skin Off Your Nose" made cinematic flesh…because you know you can't. And for every comment you add to this page (or attempt to add to it, since I doubt your third attempt is going to have anything worth saying in it) you just make my site bigger and more likely to be found via Google and other search engines, and thus exposing my supposedly ignorant observations to more people. Who will probably agree with me over you since I'm actually putting forward ideas and concepts instead of just wasting everybody's time. So I urge you to come back and comment as much as possible, you're just, in the long run, increasing my page views and hits. Thanks, amigo!
Well, here's to increasing the size of this site and making it more accessible via Google.
Completely agree with your astute points. And what is it these days with the BBS's and message boards filling up with the apologist fourteen year olds who "fanwank" their way through justification after justification about Grievous's cough(fuckin lame and distracting as HELL), the Death Star construction time frame and just WHY these stupid new "buzz droids" cannot be "force pushed" off ships. I would like to hunt down each one of these stupid little spotty faced dickheads and make them read an ACTUAL book-one that is not "based on the video game".
Oh and speaking of video games, your comments about the different game "levels" was SPOT on.
Keep up the good work.
DW: Yeah, it's pretty amazing that Lucas has all of this skull sweat poured into "fixing" his problems. And he doesn't even award No-Prizes! Thanks for reading.
I've been thinking about the game levels since I saw the first one. You're the first reviewer I've seen to comment on it. It's almost like the people writing the games had a hand in writing the scripts; a sad case where marketing drives the movies, rather than plot and whatnot. I'm sharing the link around because the movie notes were really funny!
Have not seen Travolta's BE. Funny, huh? Maybe will check it out later.
Dannan: Thanks for spreading the word. I had no idea that when I was taking these notes they would get passed around so much. It's very gratifying. And, you know, sad, that I'll probably be hit by a truck soon and this is what I'll be remembered for. And yes, EVERYONE should watch BATTLEFIELD EARTH. Do so with alcohol if possible, though that's certainly not necessary. I don't even drink and I felt drunk I laughed so hard.
Hilarious. I laughed out loud, especially at the wookie "subtitles"… Just FYI, but I would like to point out to everybody that the reason that General Grievous coughs all through the movie is because Mace Windu crushes his chest in "Clone Wars", which aired on Cartoon Planet and is now available on dvd. "Clone Wars" by the way, is much better than this last installment of the trilogy…