I was typing on my Sidekick in shorthand like mad, so if I couldn't figure out what the hell I was talking about, I tried to pull it. But if it still doesn't make sense…well, there it goes, I guess. Like I said, this is riddled with spoilers, and, as the movie progresses, more and more profanity. So…just be warned. And for those of you coming directly here from somewhere else, the review I did this for is here.
What the hell is up with Kenobi's new accent?
Buzz Droids? What kind of stupid weapon is that?
There's absolutely no tension in a scene where a character who appears in Episode IV is in danger. Don't try to pretend there is.
Why don't you just Jedi the fucking Buzz Droids off of your ships, assholes?
When the hell did R2 get a taser?
Droids whimper as they die? Oh Jesus.
Oh for God's sake. Grievous has ashtma? WTF.
Droids got the drop on Jedis? WTF??
Wait, wait. That thing Kenobi threw R2 was a communicator? You mean there's not something built-in to the goddamn droid they can use to talk to it? And the communicator conveniently sounds like a bullhorn? OFFS.
"Hands up, Jedi"?
"Oh, it's you"? You can sense Dooku in a giant fucking ship but you can't even tell it's your own student dropping into the elevator?
"My eyes, my eyes?"
Where's C3PO when you need him to say something stupid like "I guess you gave them the hot foot, R2."
How much do you need to be paid to be able to say, with a straight face, "You won't get away this time, Dooku"?
"How did this happen? We're smarter than this?" No, you're not. You're really, really not.
"Excuse me?" "You're welcome?" The droids need to stop. Please stop.
"Ow?" Make. The droids. Stop.
General Grievous…wasn't he supposed to be a badass? Best hand to hand combat guy in the galaxy or something? And all he does is run away? WTF?
Wait? "We'll take you in"? How do the fireships of Coruscant know this is now piloted by good guys? It's General Grievous' ship for God's sake.
Landing strip? For what? They have 747s on Coruscant or something?
Oh what the hell. Padme's got Leia-hair.
Okay, after such a weakass showing in the battle sequence, Grievous should not have this kind of musical score behind him. Unless this is John Williams desperately trying to invoke menace in this character. Wait…THIS is the Phantom Menace!
Grievous, get an inhaler or something, okay? Seriously.
It takes hours to brush one's hair out of Leia-mode.
Holy shit, this is bad dialogue. Wow. Two blocks away from the cinema, people are wincing.
"I love you more!" "No, I love YOU more!" "No, no, it's me who loves YOU more!" Oh JE-SUS.
Man, I wish I had a prophecy saying that I was going to kick major ass. Then I could knock up a major leader in the Galactic Senate and act the total prick with impunity! "Dude, why are you such a prick?" "Hey, yo, who's the chosen one in the house, huh? C'mere, ya sexy bunhead."
Let's stop the movie for a moment while Padme explains The Point of It All, shall we?
Man, that fountain in the background is really making me feel the need to pee.
"Don't shut me out, let me help you." "Not if you're going to start making half-assed references to a political situation aeons in the future on Earth."
Am I the only one who thinks that Christensen and Portman could have been replaced by any two random high school actors and we would have been better off for the switch?
Did she just say she wished for "No plotting"? Haven't you been paying attention? Lucas already provided the lack of a plot. [rim shot!] Tip your waitress.
What are they watching? Is this Cirque du Soleil with giant energy eggs?
See, now that this has been politicized, does that make Darth Plagus (Plague-us, wow, that's rich) a stem cell scientist? I dunno.
Hmm, let's see: Palpatine is the #1 proponent of the benefits of Sith, and nobody catches on. In the twelve years since this trilogy started. The Jedi are morons.
"Charge!" An actually stirring image of an army of Wookies hauling ass to attack (which they should have done in ROTJ, mind you) and Lucas has to break the mood with a droid's chipmunk voice saying "Charge!?" CHARGE?!??!
Wait, wait, wait…in an era of starships and hovercraft and all kinds of shit, you decide to attack by water???
Oh Jesus Christ. The freaking Tarzan yell.
"I want more and I shouldn't." That's right, because wanting to advance oneself leads to the Dark Side. Oh Lord, can we get Ayn Rand on the line please?
The R4 or whatever unit has to go back to the ship to give somebody a message? What? You can't just beam it out there?
"Without Count Dooku, I have doubts of your ability to keep us safe." Yeah, Grievous, especially since all we've seen you do is run like a scared and coughing little girl.
So…General Grievous is just Maximillian from Black Hole with light sabers. Gotcha.
Again, Kenobi is in Episode 4. This is kinda anti-climactic. We know he's going to live.
And so…Grievous retreats. Again.
"I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi." You can sense a plot? It's so tiny, your powers are amazing!
See, this makes me so unsympathetic to Kenobi as a character. I mean, we knew he had to have screwed the pooch, but to do it THIS BADLY? That all it takes is a little wheedling and flattery by Palpatine and the whole thing goes kablooey? My God.
So Grievous is about as hard to kill as a level boss in Doom? Gotcha.
C-3PO enters the scene at the end and…what? What was that for?
Wow, why did Windu pick the three shittiest Jedi to go with him to get Palpatine? And why, if you knew you were going up against a Sith lord, would you ONLY TAKE THREE? Are the Jedi on the council the only ones left? If so, then of course Anakin's pissed, because he's the only one not a Master!
It's revealed—all of this happened over a woman. Millions died and were enslaved because of a woman. Isn't that always the way?
Hayden can't even throw his allegiances to evil in a convincing way. That is truly sad.
"The Jedi are relentless." Yes, stupid and ineffectual. But relentless. Good call.
Ah, so there are MORE Jedi. So Windu's a tactical moron. I am Jack's utter lack of surprise.
So Sidious/Palpatine isn't going to comment on his new look at all? "I look like this in the next trilogy, so it's cool." (Note: He does later, of course, but he seems to take it in stride really well.)
What the hell? A Starship Troopers ripoff? Stormtroopers vs. insect drones?
That's right, Padme. Cry. This is all your fault. Except for the movie itself. We wouldn't put that burden on you.
The missing subtitles from the end of the Wookie scene with Yoda where they just stand around and exchange some lines in their language:
"He's deserting our asses, isn't he, Chewie?"
"Yeah. I told you we should have eaten him."
"Anakin, what are you going to do?" "It's okay, honey. I've subcontracted with another firm."
"Everything will soon be set right." Yes. Closing credits heal all wounds.
"Well, he has been under a lot of stress lately." Anakin never wants a second cup of coffee at home.
Basically, this is just a sci-fi snuff film. I'm coming to that realization.
"It can't be! It can't be!" Is this Kenobi reacting to watching Anakin slaughter Padawans, or the public reacting to this trilogy. Search your feelings.
Wait, what? Sidious actually came to the temple and gave Vader more orders where they knew security cameras were recording them? WTF?
Wait, what? "Send me to kill the Emperor?" He just became Emperor like two minutes ago on the other side of the city. You can't sense jack shit when it counts but you can sense that he's changed his job title? WTF?
Goddammit, there's that fountain again! Man, I need to pee!
So Anakin's awaiting a showdown with Obi-Wan in Mordor. Or whatever the hell that planet's called.
"I won't lose you the way I lost my mother." What, are you afraid Tusken Raiders are going to find her at you guys' apartment?
"Don't make me kill you." Yes, your line delivery is a lethal weapon. Please put it away.
"If you're not with me, then you're my enemy!" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. How bald-faced is that? Holy crap, this is really starting to become entertaining finally.
Again, Yoda stands there and lets himself take a full-force hit from Sidious. As though the preamble of him raising his hands and speechifying wasn't enough time to do something. Lord.
Oh my God. "Not if anything about it to say I have." Oh my GOD. You CANNOT be a badass with that syntax. Oh GOD, no.
"At an end your rule is." No, no, Yoda stop talking. Please stop talking. Aiieeee!!!!! It's the dark side of the dialogue!
Yoda dodging Senate boxed seats. That must be level six in the video game.
Anakin throw the ring into—shit, I'm confused. Sorry.
Okay, yeah…light saber fight on magma flow. Level seven.
Is there supposed to be some tragedy in the fall of Anakin? I mean, he's such a shithead. This entire trilogy is populated by shitheads. Dumb shitheads. Thank God it'll be over soon.
So the reason Darth Vader is such a problem in the first trilogy is only because Kenobi couldn't stop talking long enough to finish him off? WTF?
I loved you—so I'm going to not show mercy and let you just sort of immolate there on the shore. Great.
What is Kenobi waiting for? Somebody to show up with some fucking marshmellows? Jesus.
Holy shit! It's the hand of a Terminator! No, damn, it's Anakin. I thought I was in a better movie for a minute there.
It's okay, Padme. This movie is making me lose my will to live too. It's okay.
Goddamn, those are some BIG babies.
Wow. I thought people were kidding when they said Lucas ripped off Frankenstein. I was wrong. Wow. "NOOOO!" Wow. Just wow.
Wow. So that was the origin of Darth Vader. How incredibly lame.
"We must take them somewhere where the Sith cannot sense their presence." Well, considering that your spider-sense shit only works when it's convenient for the plot, I would say you could hide them next door, honestly.
Wait, it's going to take them THAT LONG to build the freaking Death Star? But even in the original trilogy, they—oh, hell, never mind.